Tuesday, Feb. 19, 2008

I did not have a big update thought out for tonight, but as I go from website to website reading about all of these kids and their fights to live, it just gets to be a bit overwhelming. I follow several other kids websites, some of whom have already earned their angel wings. It seems that the more sites I visit, the more sites there are, one leads to another to another. So many children have life threatening cancer, it's just hard to believe. I can relate to their pain, their sorrow at having lost their hopes and dreams for their "normal" child after they are diagnosed. Everything changes for the child and their family, even if they are survivors. I realized for the first time tonight that that is what Hannah is: A SURVIVOR!!! She has beaten back this big bad monster called cancer, and whether this lasts for a month or a year, or a lifetime, it's something to shout to the heavens and back: HANNAH BEAT CANCER!!

I often find my self caught up still in the world of hurt and pain and suffering for these children. Even though Hannah continues to make strides almost weekly, it's hard not to wonder what lies ahead. Then last week I read on Coleman's website that his last MRI showed signs of reduction in his tumors (he has recurrent medulloblastoma), which is somewhat of a miracle!! Go Coleman!! He and his brother are so cute and so feisty, I love to read their website, it's so entertaining and Peggy makes you feel as if you were right there. Check out this excerpt from their site from Coleman and his twin Caden and you will know what I mean:

Okay, I’ll leave you with a little story that I debated on sharing since I really don’t want to offend anyone, but if any of you have a four year old boy at home, I think you can relate.
Last night’s bedtime comments:
Coleman: Mommy? Why do you wear a bra?
Caden: She has-ta wear one so her boobies don’t fall off Coleman.
Coleman: WHY?
Caden: Tuz they are a wittle woose! (a little loose)

Forgive me Peggy if you are reading this! After their good news in the midst of their very serious situation, Peggy chose to relish in the situation, rejoice and be happy rather than think of what may still lie ahead for Coleman. Her exact thoughts were that she was not going to let her fear rob her of celebrating.

That was like a wake up call to me: don't let fear rob you of moving forward in your lives. Celebrate that Hannah has beaten this beast and has won her battle. It's sad to say that so many others have not. I have fear, I have so much fear. In the back of my mind is always precious little King Julian who lost his battle with medulloblastoma. He recurred only 6 months after his chemo ended and HE HAD THE SAME EXACT THING THAT HANNAH HAD. Therein lies my fear. But I can choose to focus on that sadness, or choose like Peggy to try and put down my fears and celebrate!! I choose a celebration. That is the path that Hannah seems to have unconsciously chosen for all of us. The path of "there is nothing wrong with me anymore, the tumor is gone and my hair is growing back, let's move on!" So I will follow her lead and move on. I will not lead fear control my days and nights anymore (at least not outwardly). I will celebrate where we are now and where we are headed. As Hannah would say to me "what's this WE stuff? I am the one that had cancer, not you." She always puts it in a such nice way!!!

At least she didn't say I'm a "wittle woose!"

xoxo Kim